Families – Nurturing or Toxic?
What do you think of when you hear the word "family"? What feeling do you get when you hear or say that word? "Family" is often the source of deep emotions – either positive or negative. The lure of the family is so great that many movies and TV shows are built around it. Tears and emotions are evoked when parents and children reconcile after being apart or angry for years.
The "family" has survived over many centuries spanning millennia in almost all cultures. Traditionally the family is the place of shelter and solace to help in times of trouble. It is a place where we can belong, share and care. As one person said, "Home is a place when you go there they have to take you in."
Today people still want the love, safety, respects, caring, understanding, individuality, and belonging that a family affords. But things have changed! Over the last century the family has evolved from the extended family to the nuclear family. The extended family is mother, father, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. A nuclear family is mother-father (husband & wife) and children.
How many people live near their grandparents today? Many married adults don’t even live close to either set of parents. Our industrialized age has created physical distance between members of families. Many people not only don’t live near cousins, they virtually never talk to them. Sometimes they don’t even know that some cousins exist.
Think of families you know. What kind of atmosphere was there? If the family were a toxic family you might have experience an atmosphere that was negative, stifling, intolerant, with little joy or care for one another. The attempts at humor would have been mostly sarcastic and belittling. In that family members often feel depleted, uncomfortable and stifled.
Members of a nurturing family, by contrast, feel alive, honest, loved. They have a genuine interest in one another, express open affection, feel relaxed, speak with clear voices in an open atmosphere. This is the type of family the Biblical writers had in mind when they use the metaphors of Father, Son, Mother, Husband, Brothers, Sisters and "sons and daughters" (2Cor. 6:18). The family should be a place of comfort, love, acceptance, and development -- mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
The Bible has many examples of families with problems too. In the first family Cain killed his brother. In Abraham’s family, he had to send his son Ishmael away because of family strife and jealousy (Gen. 21:9-10). In Isaac’s family Jacob deceived his father to get the blessing. Esau hated him for him for many years.
When Jacob went to take a wife he was deceived by Laban, his father-in-law. Here’s how. Jacob wanted Rachael as his wife but Laban made him take her sister, Leah, first. Leah bore him children but the woman he loved could not bare children for a long time.
When Rachael finally was able to conceive she bore Jacob two sons, Joseph and Benjamin. She died giving birth to Benjamin. Troubles followed for Jacob’s family as Joseph’s brothers hated him and sold him into slavery.
During the times of the judges, Eli, the priest who raised Samuel, had sons who became corrupt. He ignored them and God punished him and his sons. Samuel, who served many years as a judge in Israel had sons who became dishonest and corrupt to the point that the elders of Israel were moved to ask for a king. They went from the frying pan into the fire. Instead of asking God to give them another judge, they came up with their own solution to a thorny problem and wanted a king. Thus began the monarchy of Israel & Judah.
King David’s family was also torn asunder by rivalries, rape and murder. Because David had many wives, he also had many children. The children all stayed with their own mothers for rearing. They often saw one another at various functions. One of David’s son’s, Amnon, raped a half sister, Tamar. Her brother Absalom got revenge by killing Amnon (2 Sam. 13). Later Absalom fomented an insurrection against his own father, David. To show his utter contempt for his father, David, Absalom went into the private residences of David’s wives as though to make love to them.
From the examples of David and Samuel we can see that even though a man serves God completely and gives his full time and attention to God’s work, it does not substitute for his duties as a father and husband in his own family. Samuel was simply too busy to spend time with his own sons and they developed values of greed that should have shock their father it was because of Samuel’s sons that the people of Israel demanded and got a human king as their leader like the nations around them. This began a national slide that continued even into captivity.
It is through the kings of Judah that we see an interesting occurrence in the passages of Scripture. Note that most of the occasions when a king listed as a good king, his mother’s name is mentioned. But when a king did not do right his mother’s name is not usually mentioned. See 2 Chron. 25 -29. In these examples we see that one king can be great and his son turn out to do evil in God’s sight. We also see that a king can be evil in God’s sight and his son turn out to do what is right in God’s eyes and walk in God’s ways and do what is right in the eyes of God. Usually his mother’s name is mentioned.
This may indicate the powerful influence that a mother has on her children and especially her sons. It also may bring encouragement to widows and those divorced women who have to rear children alone. It shows that it is possible for a woman to have a profound influence on her sons and help them in the development of good or bad character. Hopefully, by teaching and training, women can help their sons toward godly character.
The "family" has survived over many centuries spanning millennia in almost all cultures. Traditionally the family is the place of shelter and solace to help in times of trouble. It is a place where we can belong, share and care. As one person said, "Home is a place when you go there they have to take you in."
Today people still want the love, safety, respects, caring, understanding, individuality, and belonging that a family affords. But things have changed! Over the last century the family has evolved from the extended family to the nuclear family. The extended family is mother, father, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. A nuclear family is mother-father (husband & wife) and children.
How many people live near their grandparents today? Many married adults don’t even live close to either set of parents. Our industrialized age has created physical distance between members of families. Many people not only don’t live near cousins, they virtually never talk to them. Sometimes they don’t even know that some cousins exist.
Think of families you know. What kind of atmosphere was there? If the family were a toxic family you might have experience an atmosphere that was negative, stifling, intolerant, with little joy or care for one another. The attempts at humor would have been mostly sarcastic and belittling. In that family members often feel depleted, uncomfortable and stifled.
Members of a nurturing family, by contrast, feel alive, honest, loved. They have a genuine interest in one another, express open affection, feel relaxed, speak with clear voices in an open atmosphere. This is the type of family the Biblical writers had in mind when they use the metaphors of Father, Son, Mother, Husband, Brothers, Sisters and "sons and daughters" (2Cor. 6:18). The family should be a place of comfort, love, acceptance, and development -- mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
The Bible has many examples of families with problems too. In the first family Cain killed his brother. In Abraham’s family, he had to send his son Ishmael away because of family strife and jealousy (Gen. 21:9-10). In Isaac’s family Jacob deceived his father to get the blessing. Esau hated him for him for many years.
When Jacob went to take a wife he was deceived by Laban, his father-in-law. Here’s how. Jacob wanted Rachael as his wife but Laban made him take her sister, Leah, first. Leah bore him children but the woman he loved could not bare children for a long time.
When Rachael finally was able to conceive she bore Jacob two sons, Joseph and Benjamin. She died giving birth to Benjamin. Troubles followed for Jacob’s family as Joseph’s brothers hated him and sold him into slavery.
During the times of the judges, Eli, the priest who raised Samuel, had sons who became corrupt. He ignored them and God punished him and his sons. Samuel, who served many years as a judge in Israel had sons who became dishonest and corrupt to the point that the elders of Israel were moved to ask for a king. They went from the frying pan into the fire. Instead of asking God to give them another judge, they came up with their own solution to a thorny problem and wanted a king. Thus began the monarchy of Israel & Judah.
King David’s family was also torn asunder by rivalries, rape and murder. Because David had many wives, he also had many children. The children all stayed with their own mothers for rearing. They often saw one another at various functions. One of David’s son’s, Amnon, raped a half sister, Tamar. Her brother Absalom got revenge by killing Amnon (2 Sam. 13). Later Absalom fomented an insurrection against his own father, David. To show his utter contempt for his father, David, Absalom went into the private residences of David’s wives as though to make love to them.
From the examples of David and Samuel we can see that even though a man serves God completely and gives his full time and attention to God’s work, it does not substitute for his duties as a father and husband in his own family. Samuel was simply too busy to spend time with his own sons and they developed values of greed that should have shock their father it was because of Samuel’s sons that the people of Israel demanded and got a human king as their leader like the nations around them. This began a national slide that continued even into captivity.
It is through the kings of Judah that we see an interesting occurrence in the passages of Scripture. Note that most of the occasions when a king listed as a good king, his mother’s name is mentioned. But when a king did not do right his mother’s name is not usually mentioned. See 2 Chron. 25 -29. In these examples we see that one king can be great and his son turn out to do evil in God’s sight. We also see that a king can be evil in God’s sight and his son turn out to do what is right in God’s eyes and walk in God’s ways and do what is right in the eyes of God. Usually his mother’s name is mentioned.
This may indicate the powerful influence that a mother has on her children and especially her sons. It also may bring encouragement to widows and those divorced women who have to rear children alone. It shows that it is possible for a woman to have a profound influence on her sons and help them in the development of good or bad character. Hopefully, by teaching and training, women can help their sons toward godly character.
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