What do you think of when you hear the word "family"?  What feeling do you get when you hear or say that word?  "Family" is often the source of deep emotions - either positive or negative.  The lure of the family is so great that many movies and TV shows are built around it.  The tears and emotions that are evoked when parents and children reconcile after being apart or angry for years is something we can all relate to.

    The "family" has survived over many centuries spanning millennia in almost all cultures.  Traditionally the family should be the place of shelter and solace to help in times of trouble.  It should be a place where we can belong, share and care.  As one person said, "Home is a place when you go there they have to take you in."

    Today people still want the love, safety, respects, caring, understanding, individuality, and belonging that a family affords.  But things have changed!  Over the last century the family has evolved from the extended family to the nuclear family.  The extended family is mother, father, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

    How many people live near their grandparents today? Very few. Many married adults don't even live close to either of their parents.  Our industrialized age has created physical distance between members of families.  Many people not only don't live near cousins, but also they virtually never talk to them.

    Think of families you know.  What kind of atmosphere was there?  Was it negative, stifling, intolerant one with little joy or care for one another?  Were their attempts at humor mostly sarcastic and belittling?  If so, we would call that family a "toxic family."  In that family members often feel depleted, uncomfortable and stifled.

       Members of a nurturing family, by contrast, feel alive, honest, loved.  They have a genuine interest in one another, express open affection, feel relaxed and speak with clear voices in an open atmosphere.  This is the type of family the Biblical writers had in mind when they use the metaphors of Father, Son, Mother, Husband, Brothers, Sisters and "sons and daughters" (2 Corinthians 6:18).   The family should be a place of comfort, love, acceptance, and development mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

        The Bible has many examples of families with problems too.  The first family - Cain killed his brother.  Abraham had to send his son Ishmael away (Genesis 21:9-10).  Jacob deceived his father to get the blessing.  Esau hated him for it for many years.  When Jacob went to take a wife he was deceived by Laban, his father-in-law.  Jacob wanted Rachael but had to take her sister, Leah, first.  Leah bore him children, but the woman he loved could not for a long while.

    When Rachael finally was able to conceive she bore Jacob two sons, Joseph and Benjamin. She died giving birth to Benjamin.  Troubles followed for Jacob's family as Joseph's brothers hated him and sold him into slavery. 

King David's family was also torn asunder by rivalries, rape and murder. Because David had many wives, he also had many children.  The children all stayed with their own mothers for rearing.  They often saw one another at various functions.  One of David's son's, Amnon, raped his half sister, Tamar.  Her brother Absalom then rose to kill Amnon for his actions (2 Samuel 13).  Later Absalom fomented an insurrection against his own father, David.

    Eli, the priest who raised Samuel, had sons who became corrupt.  He ignored them and God punished him and his sons.  Instead of learning from the bad example of Eli, Samuel, who served many years as a judge in Israel, also had sons who became dishonest and corrupt to the point that the elders of Israel were moved to ask for a king.  They went from the frying pan into the fire.  Instead of asking God to give them another judge, they came up with their own solution to a thorny problem and wanted a king.  Thus began the monarchy of Israel & Judah.

    It is through the kings of Judah that we see the powerful influence that a mother has on her children and especially her sons.  Note that most of the occasions when a king listed as a good king, his mother's name is mentioned.  But when a king did not do right his mother's name is not usually mentioned.  For examples of this see 2 Chronicles, chapters 25 -29.  In these examples we see that one king can be great and his son turn out to do evil in God's sight.  We also see that a king can be evil in God's sight and his son turn out to love God and His ways and do what is right in the eyes of God.  Usually his mother's name is mentioned which implies that his mother had this righteous influence on her son.

      From the examples of David and Samuel we can see that even though a man may serve God completely and give his time and attention to God's work, it does not substitute for his duties as a father and husband in his own family.  Samuel was simply too busy to spend time with his own sons and they developed values of greed that shocked their father.

Nurturing families are needed all around the world.  But even if they are not nurturing, families seem to be much needed.  People cling to them even if they are toxic.  John the Baptist's family seemed to be nurturing as was that of Timothy (Luke 1:6-7; 2Timothu 1:5).
 
But where families are too intolerable or absent, people seek and construct family substitutes.  Gangs, clubs, and lodges are all types of substitutes.  Even the local "Cheers" bar can be a family substitute.
 
Is the Church a substitute family?  The Bible calls the Church the "household of God" (Ephesians 2:19).  Jesus answered and said, "Who is my mother?  And who are my brethren?"  He went on to say those who did the will of God the Father the same were His mother, brothers and sisters.
 
  Timothy was told to treat the older men as fathers, older women as mothers, the younger women as sisters and the younger men as brothers (1Timothy 5:1-2).  The great CHURCH is a family.  "…we are one body in Christ and every one members one of another" (Romans 12:5).   But just like families, family substitutes can be either nurturing or toxic.
 
A local congregation can also be a family substitute where people can grow or be stifled.  It can be supportive or competitive.  It can be cooperative or adversarial.  It can be peaceful or filled with strife.  Loving or envying one another.
 
Some people say, "I don't need church.  Therefore, I don't need to attend church.  I don't need a spiritual family - I can handle life myself and on my own."  This may very well be true for a goodly number of people.  Perhaps you are one who feels strong enough to handle all your own issues and problems and don't need the support of a local congregation.  But IS IT ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NEEDS??  Or do you not also have an obligation to GIVE and HELP to others?
 
Why attend church?  "Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together as the manner (habit or way) of some is; but exhorting one another, and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching" (Hebrews 10:25).  "We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak and not to please ourselves" (Romans 15:1).  "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord" (Colossians 3:16).
 
How can any of us fulfill these New Testament commands staying away from Church?  It cannot be done.  We exhort when we walk up to our brother and join him and stand on his side.  We admonish when we sing out the hymns of praise!  Thus we enrich our "brothers", "mothers", "fathers" and "sisters" in the family of God.   

New Testament instructions for the Christian home can be summarized from Paul's letters in Colossians and Ephesians:  "Always and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father, being subject to one another out of reverence for Christ….Wives subject yourselves to your own husbands as to the Lord…Husbands loving wives as Christ love the church and gave himself up for her…Husbands not being harsh with wives…Children obeying parents in the Lord…Fathers not provoking children to anger."
 
In the Old Testament we find the father as commanding, instructing, rebuking, and at the same time loving, pitying, blessing, rejoicing over triumphs or grieving over misfortunes.  Mothers are pictured as displaying love and care.  Childlessness was considered the greatest of misfortunes (1 Samuel 1:10).
 
Parents, according to the law, were to be honored (Exodus 20:12), obeyed (Leviticus 19:3; Deuteronomy 21:18; Proverbs 1:8; 30:17), and loved (Proverbs 28:24;30:11).  Parents' control was so great as to include the right to "sell" daughters in marriage (Exodus 21:7-11).  That children were at times considered chattel is shown from 2Kings 4:1.  At the death of the father, the mother became the actual and legal head of the household (2Kings 8:1-6).
 
The disobedience and rebellion of the children was a sign of social degeneration (Micah 7:6; Proverbs 30:11).   But, the reign of God was to bring in a great day when there would be reconciliation between parents and children (Malachi 4:5).
 
Brothers and sisters were anyone who had the same father and mothers but also any who had a common father (Genesis 20:12) or common mother (Genesis 43:7; Leviticus 18:9; 20:17).  Brothers were often the natural protectors of the honor of their sisters as the sons of Jacob were with their sister Dinah (Genesis 34:17).  It was common for brothers to avenge one another.  And when brothers dwelt together in unity, it was considered good and pleasant (Psalms 133:1).
 
What makes the difference between a nurturing home and one that is toxic? In my opinion the basis of a nurturing family is the strength and stability of the marriage between husband and wife. 

Ask yourself these questions:  Does it feel good to live in my family right now?   Do I feel I am living with friends, people I like and trust and who like and trust me?  Is it fun and exciting to be a member of my family?  If you answered yes to all then you probably live in a nurturing family as described in Psalms 128:1-6).
 
But many, perhaps most today, fall short of this ideal. How can we achieve a nurturing family rather than toxic ones?

 Let's first cite the characteristics of toxic families:

     1) They can't tolerate individuality or allow separateness.  They force conformity --- and anyone who doesn't conform is considered the "black sheep" (or "white sheep" depending on race) of the family.

     2) Each parent often thinks that others feel or think the same way s/he does.  Thus they do not allow for individual ideas or differences of opinions.  They are   critical and badgering to any who sees something from a different point of view -"how can you think that?"

     3) This toxicity passes to the members who end up with deep feelings of low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority.

     4) The family's ways of talking are generally: blaming, placating, distracting, or becoming like a computer with no emotion whatever.

     5) They have rules that certain subjects are off limits.  Therefore, no one
         brings those subjects up ever.

     6) They have family secrets.  A family secret is what everyone knows but
         no one is allowed to talk about.

     7) They have serious difficulty showing natural affection.

      The basis of a nurturing family is the husband-wife relationship.  Remember that your children are getting a tutored course in husbanding and wifeing - also fathering and mothering.

      Achieving a nurturing family is a broad subject.  But here are the essential ingredients:

     1) Quality time and fellowship time with each member.

     2) Trust:  avoid mixed messages and be honest.   For instance, it might be more truthful for a father to say he was stressed at work and had little tolerance for noise and if they kids made noise he would probably yell at them for doing so even though they were not bad in any way. This is better than pretending he is ok but the kids are bad. He can say plainly that he is tired and stressed.

But being honest does not mean that you must say everything you think. For instance, "I think my sister looks ugly in that outfit. I must tell her." Words should be used graciously for edification not for tearing down.

     3) Giving non-judgmental acceptance - accepting feelings but not          accepting bad behavior.  If a child feels angry it is all right. But to do violence when angry is NOT all right.

      Ask yourself.  "If I treated my friends like I treat my children, how many friends would I have?"

      Nevertheless, there must be a hierarchy in the home.  But people often go to extremes:

     1) They say everyone is equal in everything, or

     2) They use of tyrannical force to coerce conformity!

It is hard for people to get the balance.

Are we equal in the family?

Yes and No!  We are equal regarding value, rights under law, and in God's sight as His children.  But a child is not equal in responsibility or authority to a parent.  Even the best family therapists admit that the family is and must be hierarchical (but not tyrannical) in nature.  Parents must be in charge for the sake of guiding and equipping their children!

It takes work but you can achieve a nurturing, caring, joyful family atmosphere. Parents must use coaching techniques to encourage and motivate members of the family to work a team and promote family loyalty.

If you develop a nurturing family atmosphere, your family will be blessed immeasurably so it is worth every effort!

• David L. Antion

• Founder Guardian Ministries